Tortured Soul

As my current pregnancy progresses, my nerves start to take over. Every minute of every day, I'm thinking is she healthy? Is she okay inside there? When did I feel her move last? At 32 weeks along, one would think that they've far passed the danger of losing their baby, but not when you've gone through what I've gone through. My son was delivered the day after his due date...40 weeks gestation. These next 8 weeks are going to be torture for me emotionally. The "what if's" are always in the back of my head. They torture my soul as I obsess over whether or not to trust the doctors if they say everything is fine. 2 days before my son was born, they assured me he was perfect...the sonogram showed him to be a little over 7lbs and healthy...the short hospital visit 2 days prior resulted in me getting sent home until I went into labor and contractions were 8 minutes apart. THEY WERE WRONG. He wasn't okay at all! He was in severe fetal distress...so why the hell didn't the sonographer, the labor and delivery nurse or the head obstetrician see this??? Why??? Why didn't they deliver him right there at the hospital 2 days prior to his passing? He would have been alive. As I think back to these days before, I see clues that I didn't realize then. Why did my routine trip to the Dr w/ sonogram result in me being sent to the hospital?? Instead of seeing the OB directly after my Sono, why was the sonographer and the medical assistant whispering and then the med. assistant telling me to go right to the hospital?? Why were they sooo vague when I questioned why in the world are you sending me there?? Why did they tell me to pack my bag for the hospital?? What did they know that I didn't? What did she see on the sonogram? Why, when I got to the hospital did the doctor have no idea why I was there either???? Why, when the nurse hooked me up to the heart monitor, did she constantly have to readjust it so that she could hear his heartbeat?? Why did she ask me to hold onto the monitor and leave it in one place for 20 min so they could get a good reading and send me home??? WTF happened??!!!! These are all clues that I think about now....I wonder if I had known better would he have lived? If communication between the office and hospital had been clear would he have survived? When I developed Bells Palsy & went to ER, why wouldn't they deliver him then? If I hadn't taken the prendisone they gave me for the Bells Palsy, would he have lived? This medicine causes large spikes in blood sugar.....now I know I had undiagnosed gestational diabetes while pregnant with him....did this drug ultimately cause his death? I should have followed my strong instinct NOT to take the medicine, but every doctor I spoke to, including my Uncle who is a pediatrician, told me it was safe at that stage of pregnancy. Why the hell was my diabetes undiagnosed?????? My mind is tortured Daily. Especially now, being pregnant. Yes, the doctors are monitoring me closely, but this does NOT always ease my mind. I will continue to pray that my baby girl will be born alive and healthy. God knows this family cannot handle another tragic loss. Please pray that our baby Isabella Ayana will be safe.