INFANT LOSS DAY 2013

It seems as though it were only yesterday when I was feeling your kicks inside of me. It's hard to believe that next month it will be 6 years in heaven. It hurts my heart to think about what you would look like, what your favorite color or food would be and most of all what your voice would sound like. I never was given the chance to hear you cry. I will forever wonder what the sound of your angelic voice was like. I will, however, treasure the memories of your movement. You were so active! Out of the 4 pregnancies I have experienced, you were by far the most active little guy! You and I share something so special; you were alive inside of me. I am so grateful that I was able to feel your life inside of me for those special 9mos. You were born lifeless and I yearned to feel your  breath, hear your cries and feel your warmth. I have been so incredibly sad over this , but recently have taken solstice in the fact that you and I together were the only ones that felt your life together. This is such a special gift that I will forever treasure. Tomorrow is Infant Remembrance Day so be on the lookout for those lanterns in the sky. Those are for you my angel. You are never far from my thoughts and always in my prayers. I feel your presence often. I often pack up your 3 siblings with the overwhelming urge that I'm forgetting something....during those times I know that you are not next to me and that God needs you more. You are so special to this family. Your siblings talk about you often. I would give my last breath if it meant that you could play with them for just one night. Our family will never be whole without you. My heart yearns for you my son. You are loved, you are remembered, you are a piece of my soul for eternity.

Love, Mommy xoxoxxoxoxoxoxxooooxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoox

ISABELLA AYANA

Since I've last blogged, I gave birth to a gorgeous, healthy, perfect & precious little girl named Isabella Ayana (meaning "forever beautiful"). When I 1st laid eyes on her I was elated & overwhelmed with feelings of pure & utter love, I could not get over how much she looked like my angel Christopher. It was a surreal feeling of mixed emotions that are impossible to describe. Now\, at 3 1/2 mos old, she still looks so much like him that at times while she lays asleep on my chest I look at her, sobbing...Im unsure still if theyre happy or sad tears...maybe a bit of both. I feel so blessed to have her & Adriana & CJ, yet I will never feel whole again. On Nov. 22nd 2007, a piece of my soul was buried with my son's soul. I can only hope & pray that this piece of me stays within  him & guides him up in heaven. In honor of my beloved son during Stillborn Awareness month 2012.

Tortured Soul

As my current pregnancy progresses, my nerves start to take over. Every minute of every day, I'm thinking is she healthy? Is she okay inside there? When did I feel her move last? At 32 weeks along, one would think that they've far passed the danger of losing their baby, but not when you've gone through what I've gone through. My son was delivered the day after his due date...40 weeks gestation. These next 8 weeks are going to be torture for me emotionally. The "what if's" are always in the back of my head. They torture my soul as I obsess over whether or not to trust the doctors if they say everything is fine. 2 days before my son was born, they assured me he was perfect...the sonogram showed him to be a little over 7lbs and healthy...the short hospital visit 2 days prior resulted in me getting sent home until I went into labor and contractions were 8 minutes apart. THEY WERE WRONG. He wasn't okay at all! He was in severe fetal distress...so why the hell didn't the sonographer, the labor and delivery nurse or the head obstetrician see this??? Why??? Why didn't they deliver him right there at the hospital 2 days prior to his passing? He would have been alive. As I think back to these days before, I see clues that I didn't realize then. Why did my routine trip to the Dr w/ sonogram result in me being sent to the hospital?? Instead of seeing the OB directly after my Sono, why was the sonographer and the medical assistant whispering and then the med. assistant telling me to go right to the hospital?? Why were they sooo vague when I questioned why in the world are you sending me there?? Why did they tell me to pack my bag for the hospital?? What did they know that I didn't? What did she see on the sonogram? Why, when I got to the hospital did the doctor have no idea why I was there either???? Why, when the nurse hooked me up to the heart monitor, did she constantly have to readjust it so that she could hear his heartbeat?? Why did she ask me to hold onto the monitor and leave it in one place for 20 min so they could get a good reading and send me home??? WTF happened??!!!! These are all clues that I think about now....I wonder if I had known better would he have lived? If communication between the office and hospital had been clear would he have survived? When I developed Bells Palsy & went to ER, why wouldn't they deliver him then? If I hadn't taken the prendisone they gave me for the Bells Palsy, would he have lived? This medicine causes large spikes in blood sugar.....now I know I had undiagnosed gestational diabetes while pregnant with him....did this drug ultimately cause his death? I should have followed my strong instinct NOT to take the medicine, but every doctor I spoke to, including my Uncle who is a pediatrician, told me it was safe at that stage of pregnancy. Why the hell was my diabetes undiagnosed?????? My mind is tortured Daily. Especially now, being pregnant. Yes, the doctors are monitoring me closely, but this does NOT always ease my mind. I will continue to pray that my baby girl will be born alive and healthy. God knows this family cannot handle another tragic loss. Please pray that our baby Isabella Ayana will be safe.

SO TRUE!!

“The grief of a stillbirth is unlike any other form of grief: the months of excitement and expectation, planning, eager questions and the drama of labor — all magnifying the devastating incomprehension of giving birth to a baby bearing no signs of life.”
 Yet society does little to acknowledge these losses, and friends and relatives tend to avoid talking about them.

CHECK OUT THIS HUGE STEP TOWARD STILLBIRTH RIGHTS THAT I JUST DISCOVERED!!!

New York begins issuing 'stillbirth certificates'

2:50 PM, Mar. 23, 2012  |  

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Written by

Associated Press

• Filed Under

• Local News
• New York

ALBANY -- After years of effort by grieving parents, New York is beginning to issue "certificates of stillbirth."
The certificates had long been tied up in heated debates over the legal definitions of a fetus and a child. But opposition by abortion rights groups ended when the name of the document was changed from "certificate of birth resulting in stillbirth."
Assembly Health Committee Chairman Richard Gottfried says the measure that took effect Wednesday is intended to provide comfort, dignity and a document to families.
The most recent state data show there were 1,711 stillbirths in 2009. Stillbirth is a spontaneous death after 20 weeks gestation.
Families can also get the $30 certificate retroactively.
The law's sponsors, Republican Sen. William Larkin and Democratic Assemblywoman Sandra Galef, say 28 other states offer the certificate.

Memorial Video for Angel Christopher

My Animoto Video

StillBirth Awareness & Baby Loss Forum: PETITION FOR "CHRISTOPHER'S LAW"

StillBirth Awareness & Baby Loss Forum: PETITION FOR "CHRISTOPHER'S LAW": PLEASE JOIN ME IN ATTEMPTING TO CREATE RIGHTS FOR STILLBORNS! THEY DESERVE TO BE CONSIDERED BABIES, NOT FETUSES! THEY DESERVE BIRTH CERTIFIC...