Friday, October 5, 2012
ISABELLA AYANA
Since I've last blogged, I gave birth to a gorgeous, healthy, perfect & precious little girl named Isabella Ayana (meaning "forever beautiful"). When I 1st laid eyes on her I was elated & overwhelmed with feelings of pure & utter love, I could not get over how much she looked like my angel Christopher. It was a surreal feeling of mixed emotions that are impossible to describe. Now\, at 3 1/2 mos old, she still looks so much like him that at times while she lays asleep on my chest I look at her, sobbing...Im unsure still if theyre happy or sad tears...maybe a bit of both. I feel so blessed to have her & Adriana & CJ, yet I will never feel whole again. On Nov. 22nd 2007, a piece of my soul was buried with my son's soul. I can only hope & pray that this piece of me stays within him & guides him up in heaven. In honor of my beloved son during Stillborn Awareness month 2012.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Tortured Soul
As my current pregnancy progresses, my nerves start to take over. Every minute of every day, I'm thinking is she healthy? Is she okay inside there? When did I feel her move last? At 32 weeks along, one would think that they've far passed the danger of losing their baby, but not when you've gone through what I've gone through. My son was delivered the day after his due date...40 weeks gestation. These next 8 weeks are going to be torture for me emotionally. The "what if's" are always in the back of my head. They torture my soul as I obsess over whether or not to trust the doctors if they say everything is fine. 2 days before my son was born, they assured me he was perfect...the sonogram showed him to be a little over 7lbs and healthy...the short hospital visit 2 days prior resulted in me getting sent home until I went into labor and contractions were 8 minutes apart. THEY WERE WRONG. He wasn't okay at all! He was in severe fetal distress...so why the hell didn't the sonographer, the labor and delivery nurse or the head obstetrician see this??? Why??? Why didn't they deliver him right there at the hospital 2 days prior to his passing? He would have been alive. As I think back to these days before, I see clues that I didn't realize then. Why did my routine trip to the Dr w/ sonogram result in me being sent to the hospital?? Instead of seeing the OB directly after my Sono, why was the sonographer and the medical assistant whispering and then the med. assistant telling me to go right to the hospital?? Why were they sooo vague when I questioned why in the world are you sending me there?? Why did they tell me to pack my bag for the hospital?? What did they know that I didn't? What did she see on the sonogram? Why, when I got to the hospital did the doctor have no idea why I was there either???? Why, when the nurse hooked me up to the heart monitor, did she constantly have to readjust it so that she could hear his heartbeat?? Why did she ask me to hold onto the monitor and leave it in one place for 20 min so they could get a good reading and send me home??? WTF happened??!!!! These are all clues that I think about now....I wonder if I had known better would he have lived? If communication between the office and hospital had been clear would he have survived? When I developed Bells Palsy & went to ER, why wouldn't they deliver him then? If I hadn't taken the prendisone they gave me for the Bells Palsy, would he have lived? This medicine causes large spikes in blood sugar.....now I know I had undiagnosed gestational diabetes while pregnant with him....did this drug ultimately cause his death? I should have followed my strong instinct NOT to take the medicine, but every doctor I spoke to, including my Uncle who is a pediatrician, told me it was safe at that stage of pregnancy. Why the hell was my diabetes undiagnosed?????? My mind is tortured Daily. Especially now, being pregnant. Yes, the doctors are monitoring me closely, but this does NOT always ease my mind. I will continue to pray that my baby girl will be born alive and healthy. God knows this family cannot handle another tragic loss. Please pray that our baby Isabella Ayana will be safe.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
SO TRUE!!
“The grief of a stillbirth is unlike any other form of grief: the months of excitement and expectation, planning, eager questions and the drama of labor — all magnifying the devastating incomprehension of giving birth to a baby bearing no signs of life.”
Yet society does little to acknowledge these losses, and friends and relatives tend to avoid talking about them.
Yet society does little to acknowledge these losses, and friends and relatives tend to avoid talking about them.
Monday, April 2, 2012
CHECK OUT THIS HUGE STEP TOWARD STILLBIRTH RIGHTS THAT I JUST DISCOVERED!!!
New York begins issuing 'stillbirth certificates'
2:50 PM, Mar. 23, 2012 |
Comments
ALBANY -- After years of effort by grieving parents, New York is beginning to issue "certificates of stillbirth."
The certificates had long been tied up in heated debates over the legal definitions of a fetus and a child. But opposition by abortion rights groups ended when the name of the document was changed from "certificate of birth resulting in stillbirth."
Assembly Health Committee Chairman Richard Gottfried says the measure that took effect Wednesday is intended to provide comfort, dignity and a document to families.
The most recent state data show there were 1,711 stillbirths in 2009. Stillbirth is a spontaneous death after 20 weeks gestation.
Families can also get the $30 certificate retroactively.
The law's sponsors, Republican Sen. William Larkin and Democratic Assemblywoman Sandra Galef, say 28 other states offer the certificate.
The certificates had long been tied up in heated debates over the legal definitions of a fetus and a child. But opposition by abortion rights groups ended when the name of the document was changed from "certificate of birth resulting in stillbirth."
Assembly Health Committee Chairman Richard Gottfried says the measure that took effect Wednesday is intended to provide comfort, dignity and a document to families.
The most recent state data show there were 1,711 stillbirths in 2009. Stillbirth is a spontaneous death after 20 weeks gestation.
Families can also get the $30 certificate retroactively.
The law's sponsors, Republican Sen. William Larkin and Democratic Assemblywoman Sandra Galef, say 28 other states offer the certificate.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
StillBirth Awareness & Baby Loss Forum: PETITION FOR "CHRISTOPHER'S LAW"
StillBirth Awareness & Baby Loss Forum: PETITION FOR "CHRISTOPHER'S LAW": PLEASE JOIN ME IN ATTEMPTING TO CREATE RIGHTS FOR STILLBORNS! THEY DESERVE TO BE CONSIDERED BABIES, NOT FETUSES! THEY DESERVE BIRTH CERTIFIC...
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Beautiful Poem
Tiny Footprints on a Mother's Heart
When a baby arrives,be it for a day, a month, a year or more,
or perhaps only a sweet flickering moment-
the fragile spark of a tender soul
the secret swell of a new pregnancy
the goldfish flutter known to only you-
you are unmistakeningly changed...
the tiny footprints left behind on your heart
bespeak your name as Mother
PETITION FOR "CHRISTOPHER'S LAW"
PLEASE JOIN ME IN ATTEMPTING TO CREATE RIGHTS FOR STILLBORNS! THEY DESERVE TO BE CONSIDERED BABIES, NOT FETUSES! THEY DESERVE BIRTH CERTIFICATES AND A RECORD OF THEIR EXISTENCE! SIGN THIS PETITION IF YOU AGREE! LETS CALL THIS "CHRISTOPHER'S LAW"
LET'S SPREAD STILLBIRTH AWARENESS
Stillbirths are a growing epidemic, with an average of 71 babies being born still every single day in the U.S. That is 1 in every 200 births. Most people who haven't gone through this nightmare, or don't know somebody whom did, don't know really what a still birth is. With this occurring so often, why is this? Lets be the advocates for all the babies whom were sent to heaven far too soon and spread awareness! Stillborns need and deserve rights! They aren't fetuses that never existed, like the medical community refers to them! They are alive inside their mothers' womb! There continue to be alive inside our heart and soul forever!
Monday, March 19, 2012
MY STORY
I'd like to start by sharing my story. On November 22nd 2007, my life as I knew it changed forever. I was 9 months pregnant, and it was the exact day I was due. I did not feel well all day, but had an almost 2 year old daughter to care for, so I did my best to push through the discomfort I was experiencing. Finally by around 730pm I couldn't take the pain any longer so I called my doctor, and because I went to a practice with several doctors, I got the one on call that I was unfamiliar with. This was the night before Thanksgiving, so she was apprehensive to send me to the hospital and she told me to wait until my contractions were much closer together. I told her I could not take the pain and was not waiting any longer. We called my husband's parents (closest family to us at the time) to follow us to the hospital to help care for our daughter. When we got to the hospital they put me in my gown and strapped the heartbeat monitor around my stomach...only the nurse could not seem to get the monitor in the right position to hear the baby's heartbeat. We tried everything from different monitors to different positions to no avail....after half an hour I started getting very nervous and tried to ask the nurse what was going on...she told me we had to wait for the Doctor to get there to perform an ultrasound. When the doctor got there she did the sonogram and within 10 seconds her words echoed in my brain like a ton of bricks, words that I will never forget. She said "there is no pulsating heart beat". My heart pounded and I felt like I was in the twilight zone. I didn't understand what was going on. I sat there in shock. She spoke about how hard this was for her..hard for her?? Really?!!!..I just couldn't wrap my mind around this reality. At this time, my mother in law was in the room with me as my husband was in the waiting room caring for our daughter. I remember her asking if they could do an emergency c-section and my doctor's response being one word "no". My mother in law then literally ran from the room crying as I sat there alone with strangers numb, shocked and in disbelief. The hardest part of the next 5 minutes was when my husband walked through the door and I had to tell him. The pain in his eyes tore through me like a razor blade. I was starting to realize what was going on my emotions were all over the place. My husband's reaction broke my heart as he yelled in horror that he just wanted his boy. Still in shock, I realized that the nurses were poking and prodding me, because I was in active labor. I lay there realizing I had to still endure childbirth. As the contractions got more and more painful, the nurses were attempting to give me a morphine drip and some other pain medication in my IV. Still in shock, my mom, whom drove from 1 1/2 hours away to see the birth of her grandson, walked in smiling carrying coffee for everyone. I now had to tell her. Pretty soon people would come and go as I sat there in shock. The pain at this point was unbearable and I was literally begging and screaming for relief. The doctor had promised me an epidural, but the anesthesiologist as I would later find out, refused to give me one. His reasoning? The baby was dead so there was no point. Unreal!! I endured a very long, extremely painful labor and birth. I was in emotional shock and in so much pain I felt like my body was physically in shock. Finally when it came time to push, the baby would not come out...the doctor was yelling at me profusely and she went and got some other doctors whom came in and literally started jumping and pushing onto my stomach with all their weight, trying to push the baby out. I cannot tell you how painful this was. When this didn't work, my doctor just said to me "that's it I have to cut you" and she proceeded to perform a butchered episiotomy. I felt every cut of the knife. Finally after pushing and torture, my son was born on November 22nd, 2007 at 340am. I remember delivering him and then being in and out of consciousness as my doctor was sewing my episiotomy and lecturing me about how difficult the birth was for HER. She furiously stitched me up telling me basically what a horrible job I did delivering my 9lb 11 3/4 oz stillborn son! She was a horrible doctor with a horrendous bedside manner. She told me the placenta looked normal and the cord blood was dried up. I never saw, heard from or spoke to her again as she walked out of my room around 4am. I then passed out, full of blood and still utter shock. I woke a few hours later praying for God to just wake me from this nightmare. A nurse helped to the bathroom to clean up, where I fainted and slammed my head on the sink. Some smelling salts later I was conscious, but wishing I wasn't. I was finally able to see my son...the shock of it and the pain pierced my heart like no other. He was HUGE...I had never seen a newborn so big before. I begged to see my daughter and just couldnt wait to hold her tight. When she walked into the room, she immediately said "mama are you all done with the baby"....the pain of hearing those words hit me like a ton of bricks...I lost it and was just hysterical. OMG how was I going to tell or explain to my 2 year old that the baby we had prepared her for 9 months was gone...those "I'm a big sister books", and rearranging of the rooms to create a nursery...how do I explain to her there will be no baby coming home?!! Then when they wheeled my son into the room again and she asked to hold him, I thought I was going to pass out, The pain was just too real.
For the next few days I was poked, prodded, hooked up to all kinds of monitors and machines, had ekgs performed, a whole lot of blood drawn...my tests were off the charts because of the emotional and physical stress and shock. I could no longer feel my bladder at all for about 2 weeks because of the severity of the labor and how large my son was. I remember seeing hundreds of crows outside of the hospital room window, and to this day I cannot stand the sight of crows. For a few days before my son was born, there were also hundreds of crows on my lawn at home. I cant help but think this was a sign. We requested an autopsy and were released from the hospital 2 days later. Now we had to plan a funeral...a shocking reality to our nightmare. As soon as we got home we immediately went into his nursery and began sobbing. We're home, so now what do we do? We didnt want to do anything but sob, but we had to push through for our daughter's sake...she needed her mommy & daddy now more than ever. We had a funeral for our angel on November 27th, 2007 ...this was my husband's late brother, CJ's birthday, so it was doubly hard. We decided to bury our son on top of his Uncle CJ..this gave us a tiny hint of solice, knowing our baby would not be alone. The day of the funeral was the worst day of my life..this is the day reality hit me almost fully...I walked into the funeral parlor to see my little baby dressed so handsome in a full suit that we searched dozens of stores for to find the perfect one with the perfect shoes and his daddy's bracelet, and special sentimental coins around him..in a tiny little coffin. I immediately fell to my knees and started sobbing uncontrollably. holding his little hand. This was my goodbye and I couldn't bear to let go, but I was forced to. We all followed the hearse in the longest ride of my life to the graveyard. 2 weeks after the funeral I get a phone call from the Director of Patient Relations, apologizing saying they made a huge mistake and mixed up the paperwork at the hospital...my son had been buried before an autopsy was performed. I nearly dropped the phone in disbelief. We had to have him exhumed, and then reburied after the autopsy. This was very difficult to handle. After all of this, I had to have follow up doctor visits and found out my episiotomy was severely malformed, forcing a revision..basically an episiotomy all over again..the physical pain throughout this whole ordeal was just unbearable, paired with the emotional pain. In the hospital I saw many doctors, one was a neurologist because during the last week of the pregnancy I developed bells palsy and the left side of my face was completely paralyzed. They performed MRI's that came back abnormal, so they did more tests. One was a spinal tap. I developed a spinal leak that caused me to have a spinal headache. This was almost the worst pain of my life..the birth of my angel being the 1st worst. I literally could not stand up straight. I endured this pain for 2 days and then my neurologist sent me to the hospital where I had to have a surgical procedure done to seal the leak in my spine. This was just one nightmare after another..all intertwined.
We filed a complaint with the NYS Medical Board against the delivering Doctor and the hospital, They basically just got slaps on the wrist and fines. We contacted several lawyers and because of the lack of rights to a stillborn, no lawyer wanted to take on our case. There is actually more to this nightmare, but I am too emtionally drained to go any further tonight.
Dedicated to my angel Christopher Thomas II
For the next few days I was poked, prodded, hooked up to all kinds of monitors and machines, had ekgs performed, a whole lot of blood drawn...my tests were off the charts because of the emotional and physical stress and shock. I could no longer feel my bladder at all for about 2 weeks because of the severity of the labor and how large my son was. I remember seeing hundreds of crows outside of the hospital room window, and to this day I cannot stand the sight of crows. For a few days before my son was born, there were also hundreds of crows on my lawn at home. I cant help but think this was a sign. We requested an autopsy and were released from the hospital 2 days later. Now we had to plan a funeral...a shocking reality to our nightmare. As soon as we got home we immediately went into his nursery and began sobbing. We're home, so now what do we do? We didnt want to do anything but sob, but we had to push through for our daughter's sake...she needed her mommy & daddy now more than ever. We had a funeral for our angel on November 27th, 2007 ...this was my husband's late brother, CJ's birthday, so it was doubly hard. We decided to bury our son on top of his Uncle CJ..this gave us a tiny hint of solice, knowing our baby would not be alone. The day of the funeral was the worst day of my life..this is the day reality hit me almost fully...I walked into the funeral parlor to see my little baby dressed so handsome in a full suit that we searched dozens of stores for to find the perfect one with the perfect shoes and his daddy's bracelet, and special sentimental coins around him..in a tiny little coffin. I immediately fell to my knees and started sobbing uncontrollably. holding his little hand. This was my goodbye and I couldn't bear to let go, but I was forced to. We all followed the hearse in the longest ride of my life to the graveyard. 2 weeks after the funeral I get a phone call from the Director of Patient Relations, apologizing saying they made a huge mistake and mixed up the paperwork at the hospital...my son had been buried before an autopsy was performed. I nearly dropped the phone in disbelief. We had to have him exhumed, and then reburied after the autopsy. This was very difficult to handle. After all of this, I had to have follow up doctor visits and found out my episiotomy was severely malformed, forcing a revision..basically an episiotomy all over again..the physical pain throughout this whole ordeal was just unbearable, paired with the emotional pain. In the hospital I saw many doctors, one was a neurologist because during the last week of the pregnancy I developed bells palsy and the left side of my face was completely paralyzed. They performed MRI's that came back abnormal, so they did more tests. One was a spinal tap. I developed a spinal leak that caused me to have a spinal headache. This was almost the worst pain of my life..the birth of my angel being the 1st worst. I literally could not stand up straight. I endured this pain for 2 days and then my neurologist sent me to the hospital where I had to have a surgical procedure done to seal the leak in my spine. This was just one nightmare after another..all intertwined.
We filed a complaint with the NYS Medical Board against the delivering Doctor and the hospital, They basically just got slaps on the wrist and fines. We contacted several lawyers and because of the lack of rights to a stillborn, no lawyer wanted to take on our case. There is actually more to this nightmare, but I am too emtionally drained to go any further tonight.
Dedicated to my angel Christopher Thomas II
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